Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
