I puked a lego.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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