Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
