Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
