our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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