Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
