Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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