Your face is a jimmy john
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
