Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
