Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
