i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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