I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
