he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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