are you so shy because you have an std?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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