I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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