I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
