Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
