I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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