for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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