I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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