Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
This house was built for laser tag.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Randomize
