i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Are my feet made of real feet?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
