Where is the hickey?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
