My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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