If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
