Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
