I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The power of my boobs compel you
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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