I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
