sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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