my phone needs a breathalizer
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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