the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
