Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
