I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
