You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Someone signed my nipple.
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