i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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