Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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