I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
