3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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