You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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