On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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