I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
