I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
