Only a mothe r could love this liver
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
