so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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