We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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