I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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