"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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