they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
