everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
