Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
where does the pee come out of this thing
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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