Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
whose parrot is this?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
