so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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